I just watched the worst musical I have ever seen.

IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL HOW BAD IT WAS.

It was a middle school production of Mulan Junior, and it’s not as thought I went in expecting great production, and all in all it was charming to see those youngsters dancing and singing…but

Okay firstly there was one Asian in the entire show. The girl who played Mulan was blonde with blue eyes. Also there were approximately 4 boys in this production so every soldier who was supposed to be male was actually female. So it was a production of white lesbian middle-schoolers wearing stereotypical Asian outfits.

Some of my favorite aspects was the fact that there were only three Huns. THREE! And what’s funnier is that other characters had lines like “Look at all the Huns there are thousands of them!” I laughed uncontrollably.

The stage crew was falling apart at the seams. They were running across the stage in the middle of songs, they forgot to close the curtain a few times, it was just golden.

The male soldiers who were played by female roles were the least masculine girls in the world. They stuck their hips out, and said things in very high voices…it was great. 

Did anyone notice Mulan names herself “Fa Ping?” If you don’t get it…say it fast. If you still don’t get it…leave.

At the end, Mushu is supposed to breathe fire to warn the Chinese army to come or something…the mushu character took out a red balloon and popped it. That’s breathing fire.

Lastly after the bows while everyone was cheering, suddenly there was a blood curdling scream. It literally sounded like the Nozgul had come. It ended up being the stage crew trying to make a big noise, but it was just the cherry on top of a perfectally shitty show. All this and then a horrific scream. My friends and I lost it at that point.

I give them all props for the hard work, and when I was in the middle school shows, I’m sure they were no better (in fact they were probably worse).